Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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