I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
