God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
