woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
