hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
