matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
