before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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