I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Operation Purity has been aborted
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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