I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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