I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
