Swine flu. Run for my life!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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