thus making me awesome and them whores
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
