Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
