I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
