You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
