Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
