and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
