70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
