i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i think i have two assholes
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
