Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
