i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So here I am, sexting at work.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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