he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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