please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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