Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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