Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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