i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
