Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
