as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
