she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
