i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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