her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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