why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
