vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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