I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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