We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
