you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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