He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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