I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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