I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
