i need an iv and a liver transplant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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