My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
