Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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