I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
