I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
