I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
