All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
