you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
