Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
