On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Buhtt sex?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
