i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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