just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm like, not good at living.
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