Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
