I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
