Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
