We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
