Moan for me like Helen Keller
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
