you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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